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| Article: How to NOT get Insulted - by Bernie Day | ||
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How many times has someone said something and you felt insulted?
How many times has someone said something offensive in the past that you
still remember vividly, as if it was yesterday? How many times
have you said something that someone else was offended by and no matter
how hard you try to explain, they just won’t forgive you?
Probably more than you’d like to remember. How does this happen? It has to do with what our beliefs are about communication that creates our communication style, inflection and the definitions we each independently assign to words. In this article we’ll address how to recognize and change beliefs you have about communicating so that you no longer feel insulted and also to become a better communicator so that you aren’t perceived as insulting. Belief Systems: What we believe or don’t believe is what creates the way each of us communicates. Someone who speaks directly has been “trained” to say what’s on their mind while the indirect-type person has been “programmed” to be polite, or to not say something unless it’s “good.” Belief systems also create how we inflect our speech – whether we are demonstrative or reserved, whether we smirk or cry, or the facial expressions or body language we select. Most people do not realize that their communication is the result of how they have been raised, automatically responding to situations or creating situations based upon past experience. Therefore, one of the first steps in being able to consciously communicate rather than unconsciously communicate, is to change beliefs from past experience (training/programming) that you believe no longer serve you. As an example for this article, we’ll take a look at how some folks are direct in their speech while yet others, are indirect. No style is better than another but conflict arises when the more direct communicator openly and candidly states their feelings or thoughts to someone who is the opposite. This occurs because direct words to the indirect communicator registers as an attack in their mind because they can only interpret their experience based upon WHAT THEY WOULD BE DOING IF THEY WERE THAT DIRECT. And of course, the indirect communicator will be perceived by the direct communicator as being out of touch. It’s not true – they just don’t feel that it is appropriate to speak the words, considering them to be “harsh.” As you can see, communication between these two polarities is very difficult and produces many occasions of misunderstanding, hostility, and offense. In this conflict, one “says too much,” and the other “says too little.” To reiterate, the reason behind what creates these two polarized communicators has to do with belief systems – how a person was raised. There are many opposing communication styles beyond this example. The best way to identify what you believe is to look in your past and recall those events that still linger in your mind as painful. Then jot down the words that were spoken that cut so deep. Ask yourself, “why?” An example I can recall is when a teacher called on me for an answer in math class. My body shuddered and my head shook as I murmured, “I don’t know.” I don’t remember if I even knew the answer but I was so shy I could not speak it – I was so afraid of being wrong and appearing stupid, that it was safer for me to just say, “I don’t know.” The response from my teacher was, “What? You don’t think?” As a result, those words haunted me for years and caused me to question my own ability to the point that I talked even less. However, as an adult I addressed and changed what I learned from that experience. I saw the teacher for who he was and realized that those words to me were about him, and not about me. He lacked the compassion and tenderness that I needed. I let it go and made it okay within myself. As a result I have become a public speaker and don’t feel nervous at all standing or speaking in front of groups. So, for yourself, examine those things that were said by anyone who had power in your life as a young person. I personally use affirmations and techniques for relaxation to change those beliefs within myself. Doing so changes my life. You may want to visit http://empathology.com/affirmation.htm to pick up the techniques that I use. In addition, look at the people in your life today. Examine those conversations that seem conflicted during the process. Is it with a spouse? How do you differ in your styles? Do you notice that some particular word or words “set someone off?” Does a word or some words set you off? Do you feel that someone is rude or insensitive to you? Whatever comes to mind, write it down and then think back to how you were raised. Change your beliefs from the past that hinder your communication today. In closing, you may say that you like the way you were raised – that it was perfect. You may think that believing that saying only something positive is the only way to be. But if you choose to live with strong beliefs about the way the world should operate, you will not be able to communicate with anyone else who is different from you. Allowing yourself and others to be free to communicate in their own way will connect you with more people and others will feel safe with you. |
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Article is adapted from the "Empathology Training Manual," by Bernie Day – available at Empathology, Inc., http://empathology.com This book and other writing can be viewed at http://empathology.com where you can also download FREE articles and a FREE eBook. Class schedules are also posted for those are interested in a caregiver career. bernieday@empathology.com |
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