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The underlying basis of all addictions - and alcohol is no
exception - is the avoidance of pain. While there is evidence that some people
have genetic and biological predispositions toward alcoholism, not all people
with these predispositions abuse alcohol or become alcohol dependent. Many
people who join AA learn to deal with their painful emotions without the use of
alcohol, regardless of their genetic predisposition.
What if you are a person who wants to stop drinking, who has tried AA and
treatment programs, and just can't stop? What might be happening here?
Often, the pain you want avoid is the pain of loneliness and inner aloneness.
The aloneness is caused by inner disconnection, and the loneliness is caused by
not connecting with others.
Sometimes, the situation you are in is extremely lonely and painful; yet leaving
the situation might seem even more painful.
For example, Gwen married a man she thought was kind and caring. But after they
had a child and experienced financial stress, he became verbally abusive to her
and to the children. Alcohol had always been a part of her life, but she started
to abuse it when the pain and stress of her marriage became too great for her to
handle. Due to her fear of her family's judgment and her two children, Gwen did
not want to leave her marriage.
Gwen felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she stayed, she would need
to continue to be at the other end of her controlling, angry, needy, blaming,
judgmental husband. Gwen felt extremely lonely with him and suffocated by him -
feeling like she had to tow the line and do what he wanted or be at the other
end of his rage. Whenever he would attack her with his anger and criticism, she
would overtly give in, but covertly numb out and resist him with her drinking.
Her husband, Sam, hated her drinking, and would become even more controlling.
But for Gwen, drinking was the only way she knew to survive the pain of his
insults while finding some way to resist his control. Not knowing how to take
care of herself with her husband, she gave herself up, creating the inner
aloneness.
If she left, she believed she would need to face the anger and judgment of her
parents and siblings. No one in her family had ever been divorced. Gwen was
terrified of being outcast from her family of origin. She believed that the pain
of leaving would be worse than the pain of staying - that she would end up
feeling even lonelier.
Gwen tried to learn to speak up for herself, but this only brought more abuse.
From Gwen's point of view, there was no way out other than to numb the pain
through drinking.
As long as Gwen believed that she could be okay only though the approval of
others, she remained stuck and unable to stop drinking. But Gwen decided to get
some help in learning how to take loving care of herself.
Gwen grew up being the good girl in her family, the person who looked after
everyone else's feelings and needs. She learned well to ignore her own feelings
and needs. When she started counseling with me, she actually had no idea why she
drank.
As Gwen started to tune into her own feelings and learned to connect with a
spiritual Source of love and comfort, she realized that keeping herself and her
children in an abusive situation was not loving to anyone. She asked her husband
to join her in counseling, but he refused. Mustering her courage, she left her
husband - and discovered that her family was actually relieved for her! They had
been very worried about her, but had not wanted to interfere.
When Gwen no longer felt trapped and suffocated, her desire to drink went away.
She was so excited to be able to be herself. "I just couldn't be myself with
Sam. No matter what I did, it was wrong, unless I did exactly what he wanted me
to do. It is such a relief to be able to just be myself. And my children
actually seem happier too. They are so happy to have me back rather than numbed
out with alcohol."
If you want to stop drinking and can't, you might want to look closely at what
you would need to do to change your situation so that you no longer need to
drink to avoid pain.
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